Joy is a vulnerable emotion that opens your heart and makes you realize what is precious to you. As beautiful as that is, it can also remind you of what you could lose. That's why special times can sometimes be mixed with negative thoughts.
Researcher and author Brené Brown calls it “foreboding joy” when heavy thoughts crowd our joy. She explains that people may feel dread during a beautiful moment because they anticipate that something bad will interrupt the goodness.
Her theory is that we attempt to put on "emotional armor" to protect ourselves from hurting so much if a tragedy strikes. Since it happens subconsciously, it is hard to understand why we feel uneasy when we think we should feel joy.
Let’s explore ways to handle foreboding joy so we can more fully embrace the joyful times.
Personal Check-In
Think about the things you enjoyed most this summer. Now pick one specific memory to focus on. Were you able to be fully in the moment? Or did worrisome thoughts pop into your mind?
According to Brown, "rehearsing tragedy" does not prevent pain; it just robs us of joy. We need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable if we want to experience joy - and love, belonging, courage, empathy, and creativity.
Gratitude as an Antidote
Brown thought her research would find that joy led to gratitude; however, she discovered it was the other way around! Now, she believes “there is no joy without gratitude." So, when you feel something beautiful, lean into it and think about how grateful you are to know the person or have the experience. But don't stop there; take it one step further and develop gratitude intentionally.
According to Brown, practicing gratitude is a great alternative to bracing yourself for disaster. You can create a "gratitude practice" by developing habits that help you focus on what you are thankful for. As you develop this practice, be completely honest with yourself. You get more benefit from focusing on small things you are actually thankful for than from pretending to be grateful for larger things you feel you should be thankful for.
- Meditate on things you are grateful for each morning for 5 minutes.
- Find something to look forward to each week.
- Think about someone who has influenced your life and write them a letter.
- Pray to express thankfulness for the good things in your life.
- Choose one word that makes you feel gratitude (hope, life, family, friends, health, etc.). Write the word down and think about it throughout the day.
- Listen to a song you enjoy and take time to appreciate it.
- Practice mindful eating to appreciate the gift of food.
- Create a gratitude journal.
- For more ideas, check out 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.
- Switch things up if your gratitude practice starts to feel like a checklist.
Gratitude in Difficult Times
Embracing gratefulness may seem like a distant dream when you are hurting. But leaning into difficult emotions can actually open you up to a whole new experience. According to Brené Brown, “mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”
When Dr. Nicole Braton’s father passed away, she decided to “find the joy in the smallest of things.” For 100 days, she intentionally looked for the little things she enjoyed. She found this practice helped her cope during the difficult season. She encourages others to join her in "100 Days of Gratitude."
As mindfulness coach Jill Carbone explains, “Life is strung together moment by moment. So often, we race through our days to get to the next big event, holiday, or celebration. Living a fulfilled life requires appreciating all of the moments in between, for that is where happiness truly lies.”
In the midst of an emotionally heavy situation, joy may not seem appropriate. But being open to joy doesn't minimize your pain, and recognizing good things can breathe life into your soul during dark days! So, take time to notice little pleasures: a glass of ice water, your favorite food, a warm bath, hot tea, or a comfortable bed.
How can you embrace the moment and let yourself "risk" feeling joy? What gratitude practices resonate with you, and how can you engage with them today?
Dr. Jamie, D.C.